My Throat Clearing Neighbor

I have this neighbor, or friend of a neighbor, who seems to have aspergers of the throat. Every time I hear a particular door across the hall close, it's followed by cloddish footsteps and consant throat clearing -- throat clearing to the point of annoyance. *Ahem*... *Ahem*... *Ahem*...

It's an odd affliction. Maybe he's a musical theater-type who recently had some esophageal nodes removed in order to reach higher octaves and he's still recovering. Maybe he's got a cat in his apartment -- a hairy, always-shedding cat -- who creeps around his bowl of Cheerios every morning, and then sheds hair into the milky bowl and those hairs invariably end up in the guy's throat. Maybe it's a pubic hair, a la Curb Your Enthusiasm, freshly lodged in his throat by way of his girlfriend's hirsute nether regions. Whenever I hear the guy, I have visions of a former co-worker, a socially awkward fellow, who sat on the other side of my cubicle. He was afflicted by the same sort of audible incontinence -- constant *ahems*, fart spurts, clicks and clucks -- that simultaneously amused and disgusted me to the point of dry heaving.

I'm curious as to what this guy looks like. In my prejudicial mind, he's got a shaggy beard, bad skin, and wears a black hoodie; he plays Halo multiplayer and is quick to call people "noobs" when they kill him with 'nades instead of with bullets. He's temperamental, like that asshole comic book store clerk on The Simpsons, and can make sad, sad casseroles with green beans and cream cheese and bags of Fritos. He smells musty, like a wool sweater coming out of a sudden rain storm. He breathes heavy. He'll stand over your shoulder while you're doing something with the Photoshop, invading your personal space and assaulting your senses with Frito casserole breath to the point where your eyes water.

Christ, I'm such an asshole. He's probably a fireman or a guy on leave from the Peace Corps or a teacher, or someone who does something that really matters for a living.

I shouldn't be making fun. I'm not, really, and I don't want to be disparaging of those suffering from asperger's diseases. I just wonder, and when I wonder, my mind goes wild.

Laughing So Hard I'm Crying

Sundays have become increasingly difficult of late. They likely begin with a raging hangover, take a right turn onto the Boulevard of Blathering Bloviates (that endless stream of political assholes on Meet the Nation This Week on the McLaughlin Group), veer into brief respite of either Wall Street Journal Report (thank you, Ms, Bartiromo for your puffy-lipped, sparkling eyed scrumptiousness) or Fox NFL Sunday and finally plunge headlong into the male equivalent of "cutting", also known as Watching the Chicago Bears Get Thoroughly Pounded by Any Given Football Team.

However, today I've found a possible cure to the Sunday blues in the form of what may be the single greatest parody website in history: Uncyclopedia. It takes Wikipedia for a ride and lampoons popular culture with hilarious results. I particularly love the Darth Vader entry.

Attack of the Conservachicks: Lynne Cheney Shows Some Humor while Ann Coulter Auditions for a Brownshirt

Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice-President Dick Cheney, appeared last night on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to push her new memoir, Blue Skies, No Fences. At first, I thought this was going to be the broadcasting equivalent of a poorly constructed levee just waiting to be breached. The Daily Show regularly harangues the Bush administration and the vice-president, the latter of which is lampooned almost weekly in segments branded as "You Don't Know Dick". Last night,the show bravely offered up another installment prior to the sit down with Mrs. Cheney, but this time branded it as "You Don't Know Richard". It was a hilarious riff on the ongoing media sentiment that the White House consistently strongarms broadcasters into running favorable stories about the administration. The segment featured a multiple choice question, asking viewers which of the following were true about Cheney (he loves his pet labrador, he's a doting grandfather, etc.... the answer, of course, was all of the above).



The funniest part of the interview came when Lynne Cheney took to the stage and plopped a Darth Vader doll onto Stewart's desk. "It's an old family heirloom," she suggested. While it further cemented my personal belief that, were we living in a galaxy far, far away, Republicans would represent Sith, while Democrats would more likely align with Jedi (provided they don't have their heads up their asses), it did show that there is a smidgen of a sense of humor to be found on the Right that goes beyond lame attempts at likening a Fred Thompson debate appearance to an episode of Law & Order. Stewart did a good job in the interview, and proved quite capable at not stooping to the level of cowtowing (Sean Hannity might learn a lesson or two). He artfully posed a question about Mary Cheney's lesbianism, and Lynne Cheney gave a great response that should effectively put an end to the issue about her daughter's lifestyle choice.



Meanwhile, Ann Coulter tried desperately to make waves for her new book during an appearance Monday night on CNBC's Big Idea with Donny Deutsch. When Deutsch posed a question about what Coulter's perfect version of America would look like, she offered that it would look like the 2004 Republican National Convention here in NYC, a bastion of America-loving Christians (and strategically situated minorities). She then went on to say that the megachurches where she often gives speeches are reflective of America's racial/ethnic diversity and that the mixed-race couples she sees there don't have a "chip on their shoulder" like the mixed-race couples here in NYC. But wait, there's more. She then referenced a decades old episode of Seinfeld, where Elaine dates a black guy to prove she's racially progressive, as proof that interracial couples in NYC have chips on their shoulders (by that logic, Jack Bauer is proof positive that America tortures detainees, or, better yet, that a black man can rise to the level of POTUS). Then, the interview went completely off the rails when she submitted that Christians truly want Jews to be "perfected". ...stepping... slowly... away from.. the TV set now... must... take ... cover. The interview was batshit crazy, just what we've come to expect from Coulter, and this salvo about Jews needing to be "perfected" has an underlying essence of Final Solution type talk. Here's the segment, so you can come to your own conclusions.

Is Bionic Woman Any Good? Nah nah nah nah nah... No no no no no no

I've tried to hold off on weighing in on NBC's Bionic Woman. The blogiverse is aflame with complaints of the show being an abomination: too dark, too sexual (a booze-fueled bathroom hookup kicked off the second episode), too lame. By now, you already know the premise of this 're-imagined' version of the 70s-era action series: 20something bartender girl raising her teen sis while dating genetics professor... brutal car crash... geneticist beau saves 20something bartender by tricking her out with $50 Million worth of bionics (arm, eye, ear, legs)... covert special ops force (think Blackwater with an intellect) behind the bionics... all manner of ass-kicking superwoman mayhem ensues. But after sitting through three episodes, I can no longer hold my tongue. Unfortunately, the show does not have legs, and I can't imagine it will last past this first season before being relegated to cable's Sci-Fi network where it so obviously belongs.

Bionic Woman is a convoluted mess of a TV show and makes about as much sense as a cut scene from a third-rate video game on a first generation PlayStation. No amount of sultry, pouty-lipped, blue-eyed sexiness via Michelle Ryan (who plays Jaime Sommers) can save this show from baffling plotting, a failed narrative structure, and god awful writing that no self-respecting fanboy should ever tolerate. Then again, I'm a grown adult, and this is clearly a show custom-made for ADHD-afflicted middle schoolers. The amount of narrative leapfrogging the show expects viewers to commit to as we follow Sommers from proletariat barkeep to military-grade killing machine is one thing. Serving up an actress who is unconvincing in the role is quite another. Gorgeous as she is, Ryan is either miscast as the lead, or one of the worst actresses of our time. It's virtually impossible to have any concern for the psyche or the feelings of Jaime 2.0, partly because she went from naive to sassy in the span of a commercial break. The banter between Ryan and Miguel Ferrer's Jonas character (he runs the secret agency) is some of the worst writing on TV (she speaks to him as if he's a sorority pledge, and he takes it like a pantywaist every time while casually reminding her that he owns the $50 million worth of hardware fused into her body). Jaime has more disdain for the man who runs the secret unit that created her new self than her bionic doppleganger Sarah Corvus (Katee Sackhoff), the woman who snuffed out her geneticist fiance.

This then, brings up another glaring problem with the show: The Sarah Corvus story arc ("the first bionic woman" who, somewhere along the way, went bad and had to be put down like a rabid dog in the first scene of the series) is much more compelling than the story arc of Jaime Sommers. Sackhoff, who also plays Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica, burns up the screen as Sarah Corvus; you want to know how Corvus came to where she is today, and what is fueling her rage (beyond the bullet to the head). She even takes bionically bad dialogue ("Why don't you just hang yourself or something?" she says to a spoiled trust fund kid in episode three) and makes it digestible. A better setup for the show would've been to give the Sommers character the Corvus storyline and have her evolve over the course of the season from an enraged revenge-seeking hellion to a willing super soldier in the ongoing battle to "prevent rogue groups from ending civilization as we know it."

There are other supporting characters who serve as filler for situation room scenes, and they simply aren't worth getting into here. Jaime's little sis is a 'troubled teen' who doesn't seem to serve any narrative purpose. Will Yun Lee plays Jaime's trainer, teaching her how to harness her bionic fighting skills (he also had a relationship with Sarah Corvus, and was forced to execute her in the pilot episode). Much has been made of the addition of Isaiah Washington, who will forever exist with a figurative red "H" branded onto his chest. His character is plagued by equally bad dialogue: watching his constipated acting makes one think he's in it for the paycheck and a bit of salvation. The rest of the supporting cast is made up of super techs who run all the software and do a bunch of server-switching stuff that you can bet won't be explained as effectively as they do it on Fox's 24.

Which serves as a nice segue for how this show fails to live up to expectations. Network TV has embraced the idea of the ass-kicking superchick over the years, which is a good thing when done right (think the first two seasons of Alias, or the first several episodes of Dark Angel). There's also a glut of TV shows that have taken the mythological tack of The X-Files and attempt to tell a single, interwoven story that takes entire seasons to unfold. What made The X-Files work was that each episode stands alone, regardless of whether it dealt with one-off "monster of the week" stories or mythology-based installments dealing with the alien-human hybrid conspiracy. The other piece is quality writing, which The X-Files had in droves. Lost also has quality writing, as does 24 (if you don't count the final seven hours of Day 6), and NBC's Heroes (which has proven quite deft in handling it's multiple, sprawling storylines). Despite waiting entire seasons for resolution, the sophistication and gravitas of the shows retain viewers for the duration. Bionic Woman tries hard and fails miserably to lasso in fans of the original series, while catering to a 12-24 demographic that speaks in abbreviated colloquialisms ("c u L8r", "rofl", etc.). And when there are options on basic and pay cable that really showcase brilliant writing and daring subject matter (Damages, Dexter, Nip/Tuck, etc.), what's the use in waiting around for Bionic Woman to find it's voice?

Despite Loss, John Madden's Raging Hard-On for Brett Favre Continues

The Chicago Bears finally came out of hibernation tonight to beat the surging Green Bay Packers on national television, 27-20. What's more striking than this surprising Bears win is the ongoing fellating of Packers QB Brett Favre in the form of a drooling, anecdotal John Madden. I've never had a problem with Madden, really. I like that he led the Oakland Raiders to a Super Bowl victory and numerous AFC Championship games during his time as a head coach. I like that he has a wildly popular video game that is entirely too complex for me to play. I like the fact that he knows good football when he sees it, loves a great defense, and has the kind of straight-talk analysis that'd make President Bush seem downright intellectual. What I loathe, however, is his ongoing, unrequited manlove for Brett Favre.

While I do not have an accurate count of how many times Madden uttered Favre's name during tonight's broadcast, it seemed as if the very name "Brett Favre" had taken the place of the word "the" in Madden's oratorial lexicon:

"I'll tell ya, Al Michaels, when you handle Brett Favre football as well as Brett Favre does, you're going to get into Brett Favre end zone early and often..."

"I'll say this, Brett Favre Bears have one of Brett Favre storied defenses in Brett Favre NFL..."

Now, for a die-hard Bears fan, any sort of adulation for anything vaguely resembling a Packer chaps my hide (the only other sports rivalry that even comes close in my book is the Red Sox vs. the Yankees in Major League Baseball). That said, you'd be a fool not to recognize that Brett Favre is one of the greatest QBs ever to play the game. Hell, he's thrown more TD passes than any QB in history, and these facts can't be disputed. And, to his credit, he did proclaim that "Chicago is a better team than people give them credit for..." during tonight's post-game press conference.

I would, however, love it if John Madden dialed it down a bit when it comes to Brett Favre, if only to save me from cleaning up my vomitus each time he lovingly utters his name. It sure would give my esophageal lining a break. I'll even offer up a compromise for Madden: every time you mention Favre's record of most TDs ever by a QB, you also have to mention he also holds the distinction of throwing more interceptions than any QB in the history of the NFL (a record he broke during tonight's Bears win). And if Madden finds that too painful, I know a guy who might be able to numb the pain with some Vicodin.

Bear Down.

As Embarrassing as Staging a Call from the Wifey During a Campaign Speech

The GOP just released its new logo for the 2008 Republican National Convention, to be held in Minneapolis of all places. There are a multitude of things wrong with this logo, starting with the color of the elephant. It certainly looks like that elephant is a Senate seat away from nailing '2008' six ways til Sunday mass at the superchurch. The blogiverse is abuzz as well, with people listing off all the subversiveness that exists in the image (prison stripes, wide stance, the idea of getting f*cked in '08, the convention being in MPLS). Talk about peppering yourself in the foot with bird shot. Whoever created this logo should be fired, and then forced to return any payment for services rendered.

Who knows, maybe the person who designed it is the spawn of the brain trust who designed the U.S. Naval Base in Coronado (who may have just been giving props to Buddha)...

Screw the Cheerleader

NBC took a big risk last season when it put two self-referential series on it's primetime schedule (Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and 30 Rock). The former was a well-written show about an SNL-type series which ended up being West Wing on a Hollywood Set Meets a Really Crappy Romantic Non-Comedy. The latter is a brilliantly-written anti-sitcom about an SNL-type series and has turned out to be the best comedy of the 21st century thus far, as good as anything ever committed to film.

It's all fine and well that the network's risky experimentation ended up with the hilarious 30 Rock surviving and the meh-worthy Studio 60 going the way of the Northwest Passage. But the navel gazing that NBC has committed to, twice so far this season, has got to stop. Not only has the network recycled an annoying marketing tagline from last season ("Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" from Heroes has now become "Save the Geek, Save the World" for the series Chuck), it used the annoying tagline in the first five minutes of 30 Rock. While the idea of 'SeinfeldVision' is the height of hilarity (the network digitally places old clips of Jerry Seinfeld into existing shows in an effort to boost ratings), the milking of the "Save the Cheerleader..." tagline (Jerry utters it in one of the SeinfeldVision clips) is the height of lame-osity.

That said, 30 Rock is still the only 'sitcom' that's really worth watching on network TV. And if I have to hear the network regurgitating any more lines about the rescue of a pom-pon wielding teenybopper, I'ma go Dick Cheney on a motherf*cker's ass.