The Perfectly Slender Pulchritude of Senator Barack Obama

On the heels another cloyingly annoying CNN debate featuring Democratic presidential hopefuls -- where Wolf Blitzer cut off candidate responses more often than he asked relevant questions; where John Roberts threw around enough empty media-spawned phraseology it looked like he belonged on the editorial staff of a celebrity weekly; where Campbell Brown offered up an image of every American parent "riffling through their kid's toy boxes" in an effort to weed out lead-infused, Chinese-made Dora the Explorer dolls; where it was more campaign bukkake all over Senator Hillary Clinton -- The New York Times today has released an interactive guide that showcases "the gifts and deficits" of candidates of both parties.

The guide, titled "Candidates in a Box: Tabular Estimate of the 2008 Presidential Hopefuls", is based on an 1823 article from a British publication known as The Monthly Magazine, where an anonymous journalist rated members of the House of Commons. For this 21st Century Americanized version, Times columnist David Brooks and author Ben Schott break down each candidate's intellectual capacity, external appearance, and effect, and provide an assessment of each person's temperament and character. Some highlights:

Barack Obama: His "considerable" resources and "promising" judgement may be done in by his "overly complex" logic. Yet, his "comforting" voice and "literary" language seem just right for his "perfectly slender" pulchritude. Alas, his temperament is "grumpy when tired", and his character is one that is "afraid of conflict".

Fred Thompson: "God-like" voice, "surprisingly dull" language, "mountainous" pulchritude. A "man's man" of "nebulous" character.

Rudy Giuliani: "Pattonesque" judgement, with "street-corneresque" language and a "smug" demeanor, this "steely" character has a "strong but disturbing" temperament.

Hillary Clinton: The Senator's "Pant-suited" pulchritude and "business-like" demeanor have an "every knee must bow" effect on the American populace. Her "shrewd" logic, "great" resources and "cheery but untrusting" temperament amount to a "hidden" character.

John Edwards: A "cute" and "ambitious" "golden boy".

Dennis Kucinich: This "miniscule" "know-it-all" is "charmingly marginal". (Yeah, but everyone wants to nail his wife).

Mitt Romney: This "mannequin" possesses "malleable" logic and a "Leave it to Beaver" language.