I Should Be Blogging

Witchy Woman...

2008-06-03T09:26:00.005-04:00

Haven't posted in a while, and I needed a place to park this bit of brilliance I found on Salon.com

Botox On The Brain...

2008-04-14T21:34:00.006-04:00

"Botox: Bad for the brain?" And so goes the teaser for tonight's 11 o'clock news on the local CBS station here in NYC. Looks like there's some concern that injecting poison into your face to stave off aging may not just render your mug immovable -- it may cause a slow down in brain functions. For me, this is hilarious because I have an intense aversion to the botox phenomenon. Every time I go out to L.A., I'm shocked at how many women have faces that look extraterrestrial, as if Santa Monica had been invaded by female cat people from a far-flung galactic outpost a hundred billion clicks past Alpha Centuari. You can barely discern porn stars from the Angelina Jolie-wannabes if you find yourself caught at the Grove or the Third Street Promenade or anywhere along Abbot-Kinney. My disdain for these fish-like faces prompted one friend to unload on me: "Why do you care so much?" But I'm not a fan of apathy, partially because apathy kills. I'm also interested in seeing a woman age gracefully (or, hell, come into her own gracefully) and not morph into something that I couldn't possibly look without being utterly disturbed. If a woman wants a bit of a nip here and a tuck there, fine, but to a point. Once they get heavy into the plastic and the botulinum, they unwittingly plunge themselves headlong into a world of ridicule.

Newsweek has an article on the subject, and Sunday's Los Angeles Times asks "Are we supposed to pretend we don't notice?"

Turning Apple Into Cider. Really Sour Cider.

2008-03-31T09:55:00.004-04:00

Here's a bit of discourse that damn near rises to the level of sacrilege. Esquire.com contributor Scott Stein makes a five-point case for why Apple's computers are not superior to your standard PC. I'm an avid Mac user, one who would not for one moment willingly purchase a PC. That said, Stein does make some good points. Bastard.

SNL Finds Its Obama, Half-Asses It With the Makeup

2008-02-25T22:14:00.008-05:00

For all the hype around the return of Saturday Night Live and the realization that the cast has, since its inception, pretty much been populated by the whitest kids u know (pun intended, like Tina Fey's "Bitch is the new Black" double entendre on Weekend Update), the much ballyhooed Who Will Play Barack Obama dilemma came to a close with a hilarious premise of a sketch, but a not so brilliant portrayal of the Illinois Senator by funnyman Fred Armisen (facial expression, yes; vocal cadence, not so much). I don't particularly care that a black actor didn't play the part; Barack Obama is, after all, half-white, and Armisen is of mixed ethnic heritage. What I found disturbing was that the makeup artists only covered Armisen's face. Not the ears, and certainly not the hands (which got the particulars of Obama's hand gestures wrong, by the way). Not sure if this was supposed to be part of the joke. The Kristen Wiig reaction shot halfway through is priceless, however, as is the idea of the press being "totally in the bag" for Obama. Here's an excerpt:

A few tweaks here and there for Armisen, and he has a winner on his hands (like his Prince impersonation). As for the makeup artists, they would do well to stock up on the bronzer.

Live Blogging Jimmy Kimmel's Video Response to Sarah Silverman's Brilliant Viral Vid

2008-02-25T00:43:00.005-05:00

Let me preface this with the sheer fact that this is the most love I will ever give Jimmy Kimmel, as long as the Earth remains in rotation. I'm Fucking Ben Affleck is laugh out loud funny. It is, hands down, the funniest comedic bit Jimmy Kimmel has ever done. It is, hands down, the funniest comedic bit Jimmy Kimmel will ever do. What makes it funny isn't the blatant cribbing from his girlfriend's genius Dear John (or, Jimmy) video from three weeks prior; it's the sheer number of celebrities within. First, Brad Pitt shows up as a FedEx delivery man with a cake in a box. Then, it morphs into a "We Are the World" re-enactment that was so full of stars, it looked like overflow from a post-Oscars bash thrown by Graydon Carter. Joan Jett. Huey Lewis. That Hobbit from Lord of the Rings who also plays a character on Lost. Members from Fall Out Boy and Good Charlotte chiming in. Macy Gray. Don Cheadle. Freaking Harrison Ford. And Robin Williams with a disturbingly suggestive splash of water to his face. Oh, yeah... and McLovin. Never mind the digitally-obscured sign language from Cameron Diaz; that Josh Grobin moment was hilarious, and Josh Grobin generally rises to the level universal suckiness on the order of Kenny G and Michael Bolton.

A funny little moment, indeed. Just wish Kimmel wouldn't have had Ben Affleck on immediately afterwards to recap how ingeniously funny they thought they were.

Good Lord, Purveyor... Hate much?

Sea Spiders: Six Degrees of Grossification

2008-02-20T03:39:00.008-05:00

Australian scientists have discovered what seems to be a couple of new, gelatinous species at the bottom of the ocean off Antarctica. These sea spiders are frightening to me on a number of levels:

1) Despite my affinity for Spider-Man as a superhero and movie franchise, I'm an arachniphobe. Spiders are gross.

2) I don't trust any creature that is literally transparent, because that's just gross.

3) The fluid manner in which these things waft through the deep blue sea is beautiful, yet deceptive, because they are spiders and, therefore, gross.

4) Looking at them makes me think of phlegm. In fact, there's now phlegmy goo developing in my throat as I write this. Phlegm is nothing if not gross.

5) What in the frack are those transparent, bulbous stalk-like things rising out of the sea floor? Did a school of kiddie crustaceans have a birthday party where a stingray dressed as a clown blew up a bunch of those silly twisty balloons? Cuz that shit's freaking gross.

6) I'm nauseous, and nausea is gross.

Read all about it here.

Creative Wood Piercing...

2008-02-18T00:18:00.006-05:00

The FX network has a great stable of original programming, from Nip/Tuck (the current season of which is frighteningly awesome) to the brilliant Damages. I've been seeing promos for the Courteney Cox drama Dirt, which launches its second season on March 2nd. While I only watched the first two episodes last season, the promos for this new season are crafty (rotoscope animation meets Roy Lichtenstein artwork), and the song used within is catchy as hell. I did some webernet surfing to figure out the band behind the infectious tune: Peaches is the band; The Boys Wanna Be Her is the song. I stumbled upon their video on YouTube and I've embedded it here for your viewing pleasure. This one gives a whole new meaning to the phrase There Will Be Blood, while introducing what can only be described as "creative wood piercing". Enjoy.

"Hey, Kimmel! How Do You Like Them Apples?"

2008-02-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

There have been some great pop culture moments (comedy category) so far in 2008. The return of "A" Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Dave & Conan's strike beards. The emergence of that odd Tom Cruise Scientology video, and the subsequent spoof by Jerry O'Connell. But this will reign as the #1 Pop Culture Moment of 2008 for the foreseeable future.

Somewhere, John Madden Weeps, Silently...

2008-01-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

The New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl. They beat the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game, 23-20, in overtime. Being a die hard Chicago Bears fan, it was hard for me to seriously root for the Packers, despite Brett Favre's incredible record-breaking season. And while I've been in NYC for coming up on 10 years, I have yet to become a full-on card carrying member of the fan base of any of the local teams. At this point in the season -- since Chicago's tragic implosion this year essentially renders last year's wild success as all but a fluke -- I'm just happy to see a close, interesting game. Brett Favre's season is the stuff great sports stories are made of: he was set to retire after a punishing season last year... came back this year to break all sorts of records... leads a newbie team to a 13-3 season and takes them on that post-season journey towards the Super Bowl. But when you look at what the Giants, and particularly Eli Manning have gone through this year -- getting thrashed on-air by former teammate turned Today Show mangirl Tiki Barber; the sports press lamenting that he doesn't have the chops to be a champion QB, etc., etc. -- you'd have a hard time scripting a better story about resilience, self-confidence, and teamwork. Pretty freaking inspirational. All apologies to John Madden, who has the most bizarre Brett Favre fetish this side of the Farrelly Brothers. The Giants are going to the Show. Congratulations.

Bacon, Jim Gaffigan Style.

2008-01-19T00:39:00.001-05:00

Jim Gaffigan is one of the funniest comedians out there today. A few years ago, I saw him on Comedy Central doing a bit about Hot Pockets which had me crying. Tonight, I caught him on Letterman doing a bit about bacon. Five full minutes about bacon. Nothing lewd or remotely blue, it was pure clean comedic brilliance -- the stuff that makes Bill Cosby and Larry Miller and Jerry Seinfeld legendary. Don't get me wrong -- I love dark, harsh, profanity-infused comedy as much as the next guy. But when you can craft a piss-your-pants funny routine out of something as simple and ubiquitous as bacon, that's talent, pure and unmitigated.

I cribbed this off of YouTube, and once the Late Show with David Letterman site posts tonight's performance, I'll toss it up here as a replacement (not sure if they let people embed clips). Enjoy.

The Story of Stuff

2007-12-20T18:08:00.006-05:00

I'm going to admit it. I've never been a tree hugger. I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be an environmentalist. When I read the book Jurassic Park for the first time as a teenager, the one thing that resonated with me was a monologue from chaos theorist Ian Malcolm which was rooted in the idea that the human race is what needs saving and not the planet, per se. To think that we could destroy this massive orb by way of our collective idiocy with regards to consumption of natural resources is the height of arrogance in Dr. Malcolm's brilliant assessment. Maybe it resonated with me because I've always been a bit of a contrarian, and finally here was something that spoke to what I believed in.

I haven't gone green, and I couldn't tell you about the scope of my carbon footprint. I leave shit turned on all the time (my laptop, for instance). I don't use the right kind of lightbulb. I do my best to recycle, but I sometimes forget to separate the aluminum cans from the pizza boxes and newspapers. Not to say I'm some SUV driving neanderthal who thinks Al Gore is a commie for having a passion and a cause. While I thought An Inconvenient Truth was a good film, it's not saying much different than what he said almost a generation ago when he wrote Earth in the Balance. Some people think they've stumbled onto something new and innovative but never realize that this has been Al Gore's rallying cry for the majority of his career. Whatever.

Having said all this, every now and then, something comes along and serves as an eye-opener; something that is well thought out and executed to the point where you have no choice but to stamp it with the label of "brilliant". The Story of Stuff is one such eye-opener. It's a great web-based interactive short that demonstrates just how absurd our mass consumption has become. For anyone who has any doubt as to whether we're clogging up this planet to our own detriment, this short film is definitely thought provoking. It may be the most important 20 minutes you'll spend online this year, or, at the very least, the most informative. Bravo to the creators of this work. I'm sold.

Embracing the Fanboy Within

2007-12-19T22:32:00.000-05:00

Good Lord. Here I am, a grown man, and I've been totally immersed in all things The Dark Knight since this past weekend. Batman is my absolute all-time favorite superhero -- specifically because his power consists of his sheer will and fortitude, coupled with deft ninja and detective abilities. Batman Begins has to be the greatest superhero movie ever made, partly because it's dark, rooted in reality, and epic in a manner the previous iterations could not quite incorporate. I went to see I Am Legend today on an IMAX screen, and my primary purpose in doing so was to see the impossibly awesome six minute preview of The Dark Knight. Now I'm in the middle of reading a shot-by-shot analysis of the film's trailer and it struck me that I am a complete and total Batman fanboy. It's a little embarrassing that at this moment I'm more concerned about the 7 month wait 'til July 2008 than I am about the state of the world. Maybe it's good to have a distraction that isn't 80-proof or wrapped tight inside Zig-Zag rolling papers.

I Am Legend is a good film, by the way, better than expected. Will Smith is pitch perfect in it, despite the gratuitous, ego-driven 20-second master shot of him doing pullups in his townhouse, sans shirt. Some might think it's the director's way of showing how he maintains that sort of Adonis-like physique while living off of veggies and canned foods in an imagined NYC futureworld. Methinks, however, it was strictly for the ladies who were dragged to the movie by their husbands and boyfriends.

But I digress. Back to The Dark Knight. Freaking love, love, love the trailer, and I'm not at all bothered by a new take on the Joker (Jack Nicholson was too good in the 1989 film, but Heath Ledger's variation looks to be 10-times darker and more realistic), and I love that they've kept virtually the entire cast intact (a testament to the filmmakers not making a steaming pile of Joel Schumacher-grade horseshit). This movie could seriously be the best sequel since The Empire Strikes Back.

It's Become Bad. Real Bad.

2007-12-14T03:31:00.000-05:00

The tail end of any given year brings forth a barrage of Best of and Top Ten lists. Each of these lists are, for the most part, subjective in their content. The most recent list that I stumbled upon (literally, after a night of maybe one too many beers) spaeks volumes about the sorry state of our popular culture.

Just try holding your puke back for this one, kids...

It's Only Brilliant Because It's Clooney...

2007-12-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

George Clooney is known about Hollywood as one of its premier practical jokers. This little ditty I found on the Webernet(s) had me laughing out loud, though I think it's only funny because of who is in it.

Couric Behind the Scenes: The Irony is So Thick, You Might Mistake It for Sputum

2007-11-16T17:51:00.000-05:00

Found this little ditty online just moments ago and had to post it. This segment is rife with irony -- if you can bear to watch the whole thing, you'll see what I'm saying. Katie Couric, broadcasting CBS Evening News recently from Nashville, has some behind the scenes fun with her production crew, at the expense of her predecessor Dan Rather. While prepping for the broadcast, Couric makes fun of Rather's one-time trench coat primping, a moment that apparently made its way to the same Harry Shearer page on the MyDamnChannel website. "This tart is ready to go," she jokes, after futzing around with her overcoat, asking colleagues whether she should keep the collar up or down, the jacket opened or closed and then asks, "Don't you think he deserves a little payback?"

The annoyances abound throughout. She calls her cameraman "bro". She ribs her executive producer for leaving the office after the first segment. She still thinks Uggs are fashionable. And the subtle hilarity begins halfway through the clip, where the news anchor begins to seriously mess around with the button of her jacket, effectively rendering her Rather-ribbing ironic. Perhaps the big takeaway from this is that someone, either in the field or back in the West 57th Street control room in NYC, found this good enough to send around virally to send a message to the newswoman.

To be clear, this sort of banter is not unusual pre-broadcast, and is really no one's business but the news staffers... until you step close to the line of dissing public figures. Rather obviously has a couple friends remaining within CBS Evening News, and Couric, it seems, has some enemies. Why else would we see this on the web?

The Perfectly Slender Pulchritude of Senator Barack Obama

2007-11-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

On the heels another cloyingly annoying CNN debate featuring Democratic presidential hopefuls -- where Wolf Blitzer cut off candidate responses more often than he asked relevant questions; where John Roberts threw around enough empty media-spawned phraseology it looked like he belonged on the editorial staff of a celebrity weekly; where Campbell Brown offered up an image of every American parent "riffling through their kid's toy boxes" in an effort to weed out lead-infused, Chinese-made Dora the Explorer dolls; where it was more campaign bukkake all over Senator Hillary Clinton -- The New York Times today has released an interactive guide that showcases "the gifts and deficits" of candidates of both parties.

The guide, titled "Candidates in a Box: Tabular Estimate of the 2008 Presidential Hopefuls", is based on an 1823 article from a British publication known as The Monthly Magazine, where an anonymous journalist rated members of the House of Commons. For this 21st Century Americanized version, Times columnist David Brooks and author Ben Schott break down each candidate's intellectual capacity, external appearance, and effect, and provide an assessment of each person's temperament and character. Some highlights:

Barack Obama: His "considerable" resources and "promising" judgement may be done in by his "overly complex" logic. Yet, his "comforting" voice and "literary" language seem just right for his "perfectly slender" pulchritude. Alas, his temperament is "grumpy when tired", and his character is one that is "afraid of conflict".

Fred Thompson: "God-like" voice, "surprisingly dull" language, "mountainous" pulchritude. A "man's man" of "nebulous" character.

Rudy Giuliani: "Pattonesque" judgement, with "street-corneresque" language and a "smug" demeanor, this "steely" character has a "strong but disturbing" temperament.

Hillary Clinton: The Senator's "Pant-suited" pulchritude and "business-like" demeanor have an "every knee must bow" effect on the American populace. Her "shrewd" logic, "great" resources and "cheery but untrusting" temperament amount to a "hidden" character.

John Edwards: A "cute" and "ambitious" "golden boy".

Dennis Kucinich: This "miniscule" "know-it-all" is "charmingly marginal". (Yeah, but everyone wants to nail his wife).

Mitt Romney: This "mannequin" possesses "malleable" logic and a "Leave it to Beaver" language.

Natalie Portman Will Kick Your Ass (While You Suck It)

2007-11-13T13:33:00.000-05:00

This SNL Digital Short from a couple of years ago is as good as Dick in a Box or Lazy Sunday. It rounds out a nice litte troika of classic SNL moments that are as good as anything the show has ever come up with since 1975, which, I'm listing here, in no particular order (and likely without official titles):
--Anything Blues Brothers
--Belushi's Samuri
--The Billy Goat Tavern sketches
--Landshark
--Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
--Shmitty's Gay Beer Commercial
--"You'll be living in a van down by the river!"
--Ebony & Ivory (Murphy & Piscopo as Wonder & McCartney)
--"Buckwheat Is Dead", plus anything Buckwheat
--Fuck it, any sketch Eddie Murphy was ever in
--McLaughlin Group sketch w/ Billy Idol (Sting), Sinead O'Connor, Steve Lawrence/Edie Gorme...
--Debbie Downer
--"It's pronounced, "Az-weep-ay"
--"Jane, you ignorant slut"
--Chevy Chase & Richard Pryor doing word association
--Dan Akroyd as Nixon, Chevy Chase as a bumbling Gerald Ford
--"Too Hot in the Hottub"
Christ, the list could go on forever...

Should I Bite My Tongue Re: Tyra Banks?

2007-11-10T01:49:00.001-05:00

"You need to learn to pick your spots." That's what one of my older brothers used to tell me when I was growing up. I was cultivating my bullshit meter back then, and I'd always be speaking out, speaking up, and calling motherfuckers on the carpet for being liars, fakers, dickheads, poseurs, what have you. This, when I was 16. Flash forward a generation, and here I am, taking heed of those wise words for the sake of this blog that maybe one person might happen upon accidentally while clicking the "Next Blog" tab -- you probably stopped here because it isn't written in Portugese, and I'm not trying to sell you cock extension pills or nasty slut webcam dates. But I digress.

I have an issue with Tyra Banks and it pains me, because I used to love her. She, to me, embodied all that was excellent about the Victoria Secret catalogue. She, to me, made the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue legendary (yeah, Kathy Ireland made it so as well, but Tyra took it to heights unseen). When I moved to NYC nine years ago, I had only two real goals in mind: live in a loft in Tribeca... and date Tyra Banks. Neither has come to fruition, but I only feel like half a failure, because, damnit, that Tyra Banks is one of the worst case scenarios littering the wasteland that is American popular culture.

So I threw that out there, and you're probably wondering what I mean by that -- the idea of Tyra being a worst case scenario. And therein lies the dilemma. Should I run with this? Lambaste the Bizanks six ways til Sunday and call her out for the hacktacular mess that she is? Would it be a case of 'airing dirty laundry'? Is there a way to deconstruct Tyra Banks, the brand, without thrashing Tyra Banks, the woman? Would it ruin my chances of ever getting in her pants?

...to be continued... (wish i could write that in the Heroes font).

Yahoo! Movies Debuts Valkyrie Trailer

2007-11-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

I just watched the exclusive trailer for next summer's Tom Cruise vehicle Valkyrie, the much hyped, semi-controversial (in that the Germans initially balked at his filming in the country on account of his religion) film about the Nazi who said "fuck it" and sought to bring down Hitler.

The film looks pretty good, but it has one glaring bad spot: Tom Cruise sounds more like Lt. Daniel Kaffee than Col. Claus von Stauffenberg. He plays the German guy with an American accent. I'm all about suspending disbelief once I enter a movie theatre (e.g., I squelched my vomitus during Transformers when the old, 70s-era Camaro inexplicably morphed into the new fangled '07 muscle Camaro), but I expect a little more from Cruise. The guy gets paid like a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but can't find the time to perfect a credible German accent? You'd think the Celebrity Centre might hire a dialect coach and send him or her off to Deutschland for the duration of the shoot. I mean, what gives? I'm hoping that they might have overdubbed his voice in his normal accent for the sake of the trailers and the movie will actually have him speaking like he's a German. If this is how he actually will speak throughout the film, his performance will be an afterthought come awards season. (Now watch him win a Globe and pick up a Best Actor nod).

My Throat Clearing Neighbor

2007-10-31T20:47:00.000-04:00

I have this neighbor, or friend of a neighbor, who seems to have aspergers of the throat. Every time I hear a particular door across the hall close, it's followed by cloddish footsteps and consant throat clearing -- throat clearing to the point of annoyance. *Ahem*... *Ahem*... *Ahem*...

It's an odd affliction. Maybe he's a musical theater-type who recently had some esophageal nodes removed in order to reach higher octaves and he's still recovering. Maybe he's got a cat in his apartment -- a hairy, always-shedding cat -- who creeps around his bowl of Cheerios every morning, and then sheds hair into the milky bowl and those hairs invariably end up in the guy's throat. Maybe it's a pubic hair, a la Curb Your Enthusiasm, freshly lodged in his throat by way of his girlfriend's hirsute nether regions. Whenever I hear the guy, I have visions of a former co-worker, a socially awkward fellow, who sat on the other side of my cubicle. He was afflicted by the same sort of audible incontinence -- constant *ahems*, fart spurts, clicks and clucks -- that simultaneously amused and disgusted me to the point of dry heaving.

I'm curious as to what this guy looks like. In my prejudicial mind, he's got a shaggy beard, bad skin, and wears a black hoodie; he plays Halo multiplayer and is quick to call people "noobs" when they kill him with 'nades instead of with bullets. He's temperamental, like that asshole comic book store clerk on The Simpsons, and can make sad, sad casseroles with green beans and cream cheese and bags of Fritos. He smells musty, like a wool sweater coming out of a sudden rain storm. He breathes heavy. He'll stand over your shoulder while you're doing something with the Photoshop, invading your personal space and assaulting your senses with Frito casserole breath to the point where your eyes water.

Christ, I'm such an asshole. He's probably a fireman or a guy on leave from the Peace Corps or a teacher, or someone who does something that really matters for a living.

I shouldn't be making fun. I'm not, really, and I don't want to be disparaging of those suffering from asperger's diseases. I just wonder, and when I wonder, my mind goes wild.

Laughing So Hard I'm Crying

2007-10-21T12:45:00.000-04:00

Sundays have become increasingly difficult of late. They likely begin with a raging hangover, take a right turn onto the Boulevard of Blathering Bloviates (that endless stream of political assholes on Meet the Nation This Week on the McLaughlin Group), veer into brief respite of either Wall Street Journal Report (thank you, Ms, Bartiromo for your puffy-lipped, sparkling eyed scrumptiousness) or Fox NFL Sunday and finally plunge headlong into the male equivalent of "cutting", also known as Watching the Chicago Bears Get Thoroughly Pounded by Any Given Football Team.

However, today I've found a possible cure to the Sunday blues in the form of what may be the single greatest parody website in history: Uncyclopedia. It takes Wikipedia for a ride and lampoons popular culture with hilarious results. I particularly love the Darth Vader entry.

Attack of the Conservachicks: Lynne Cheney Shows Some Humor while Ann Coulter Auditions for a Brownshirt

2007-10-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice-President Dick Cheney, appeared last night on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to push her new memoir, Blue Skies, No Fences. At first, I thought this was going to be the broadcasting equivalent of a poorly constructed levee just waiting to be breached. The Daily Show regularly harangues the Bush administration and the vice-president, the latter of which is lampooned almost weekly in segments branded as "You Don't Know Dick". Last night,the show bravely offered up another installment prior to the sit down with Mrs. Cheney, but this time branded it as "You Don't Know Richard". It was a hilarious riff on the ongoing media sentiment that the White House consistently strongarms broadcasters into running favorable stories about the administration. The segment featured a multiple choice question, asking viewers which of the following were true about Cheney (he loves his pet labrador, he's a doting grandfather, etc.... the answer, of course, was all of the above).

The funniest part of the interview came when Lynne Cheney took to the stage and plopped a Darth Vader doll onto Stewart's desk. "It's an old family heirloom," she suggested. While it further cemented my personal belief that, were we living in a galaxy far, far away, Republicans would represent Sith, while Democrats would more likely align with Jedi (provided they don't have their heads up their asses), it did show that there is a smidgen of a sense of humor to be found on the Right that goes beyond lame attempts at likening a Fred Thompson debate appearance to an episode of Law & Order. Stewart did a good job in the interview, and proved quite capable at not stooping to the level of cowtowing (Sean Hannity might learn a lesson or two). He artfully posed a question about Mary Cheney's lesbianism, and Lynne Cheney gave a great response that should effectively put an end to the issue about her daughter's lifestyle choice.

Meanwhile, Ann Coulter tried desperately to make waves for her new book during an appearance Monday night on CNBC's Big Idea with Donny Deutsch. When Deutsch posed a question about what Coulter's perfect version of America would look like, she offered that it would look like the 2004 Republican National Convention here in NYC, a bastion of America-loving Christians (and strategically situated minorities). She then went on to say that the megachurches where she often gives speeches are reflective of America's racial/ethnic diversity and that the mixed-race couples she sees there don't have a "chip on their shoulder" like the mixed-race couples here in NYC. But wait, there's more. She then referenced a decades old episode of Seinfeld, where Elaine dates a black guy to prove she's racially progressive, as proof that interracial couples in NYC have chips on their shoulders (by that logic, Jack Bauer is proof positive that America tortures detainees, or, better yet, that a black man can rise to the level of POTUS). Then, the interview went completely off the rails when she submitted that Christians truly want Jews to be "perfected". ...stepping... slowly... away from.. the TV set now... must... take ... cover. The interview was batshit crazy, just what we've come to expect from Coulter, and this salvo about Jews needing to be "perfected" has an underlying essence of Final Solution type talk. Here's the segment, so you can come to your own conclusions.

Is Bionic Woman Any Good? Nah nah nah nah nah... No no no no no no

2007-10-08T16:47:00.000-04:00

I've tried to hold off on weighing in on NBC's Bionic Woman. The blogiverse is aflame with complaints of the show being an abomination: too dark, too sexual (a booze-fueled bathroom hookup kicked off the second episode), too lame. By now, you already know the premise of this 're-imagined' version of the 70s-era action series: 20something bartender girl raising her teen sis while dating genetics professor... brutal car crash... geneticist beau saves 20something bartender by tricking her out with $50 Million worth of bionics (arm, eye, ear, legs)... covert special ops force (think Blackwater with an intellect) behind the bionics... all manner of ass-kicking superwoman mayhem ensues. But after sitting through three episodes, I can no longer hold my tongue. Unfortunately, the show does not have legs, and I can't imagine it will last past this first season before being relegated to cable's Sci-Fi network where it so obviously belongs.

Bionic Woman is a convoluted mess of a TV show and makes about as much sense as a cut scene from a third-rate video game on a first generation PlayStation. No amount of sultry, pouty-lipped, blue-eyed sexiness via Michelle Ryan (who plays Jaime Sommers) can save this show from baffling plotting, a failed narrative structure, and god awful writing that no self-respecting fanboy should ever tolerate. Then again, I'm a grown adult, and this is clearly a show custom-made for ADHD-afflicted middle schoolers. The amount of narrative leapfrogging the show expects viewers to commit to as we follow Sommers from proletariat barkeep to military-grade killing machine is one thing. Serving up an actress who is unconvincing in the role is quite another. Gorgeous as she is, Ryan is either miscast as the lead, or one of the worst actresses of our time. It's virtually impossible to have any concern for the psyche or the feelings of Jaime 2.0, partly because she went from naive to sassy in the span of a commercial break. The banter between Ryan and Miguel Ferrer's Jonas character (he runs the secret agency) is some of the worst writing on TV (she speaks to him as if he's a sorority pledge, and he takes it like a pantywaist every time while casually reminding her that he owns the $50 million worth of hardware fused into her body). Jaime has more disdain for the man who runs the secret unit that created her new self than her bionic doppleganger Sarah Corvus (Katee Sackhoff), the woman who snuffed out her geneticist fiance.

This then, brings up another glaring problem with the show: The Sarah Corvus story arc ("the first bionic woman" who, somewhere along the way, went bad and had to be put down like a rabid dog in the first scene of the series) is much more compelling than the story arc of Jaime Sommers. Sackhoff, who also plays Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica, burns up the screen as Sarah Corvus; you want to know how Corvus came to where she is today, and what is fueling her rage (beyond the bullet to the head). She even takes bionically bad dialogue ("Why don't you just hang yourself or something?" she says to a spoiled trust fund kid in episode three) and makes it digestible. A better setup for the show would've been to give the Sommers character the Corvus storyline and have her evolve over the course of the season from an enraged revenge-seeking hellion to a willing super soldier in the ongoing battle to "prevent rogue groups from ending civilization as we know it."

There are other supporting characters who serve as filler for situation room scenes, and they simply aren't worth getting into here. Jaime's little sis is a 'troubled teen' who doesn't seem to serve any narrative purpose. Will Yun Lee plays Jaime's trainer, teaching her how to harness her bionic fighting skills (he also had a relationship with Sarah Corvus, and was forced to execute her in the pilot episode). Much has been made of the addition of Isaiah Washington, who will forever exist with a figurative red "H" branded onto his chest. His character is plagued by equally bad dialogue: watching his constipated acting makes one think he's in it for the paycheck and a bit of salvation. The rest of the supporting cast is made up of super techs who run all the software and do a bunch of server-switching stuff that you can bet won't be explained as effectively as they do it on Fox's 24.

Which serves as a nice segue for how this show fails to live up to expectations. Network TV has embraced the idea of the ass-kicking superchick over the years, which is a good thing when done right (think the first two seasons of Alias, or the first several episodes of Dark Angel). There's also a glut of TV shows that have taken the mythological tack of The X-Files and attempt to tell a single, interwoven story that takes entire seasons to unfold. What made The X-Files work was that each episode stands alone, regardless of whether it dealt with one-off "monster of the week" stories or mythology-based installments dealing with the alien-human hybrid conspiracy. The other piece is quality writing, which The X-Files had in droves. Lost also has quality writing, as does 24 (if you don't count the final seven hours of Day 6), and NBC's Heroes (which has proven quite deft in handling it's multiple, sprawling storylines). Despite waiting entire seasons for resolution, the sophistication and gravitas of the shows retain viewers for the duration. Bionic Woman tries hard and fails miserably to lasso in fans of the original series, while catering to a 12-24 demographic that speaks in abbreviated colloquialisms ("c u L8r", "rofl", etc.). And when there are options on basic and pay cable that really showcase brilliant writing and daring subject matter (Damages, Dexter, Nip/Tuck, etc.), what's the use in waiting around for Bionic Woman to find it's voice?

Despite Loss, John Madden's Raging Hard-On for Brett Favre Continues

2007-10-07T23:51:00.001-04:00

The Chicago Bears finally came out of hibernation tonight to beat the surging Green Bay Packers on national television, 27-20. What's more striking than this surprising Bears win is the ongoing fellating of Packers QB Brett Favre in the form of a drooling, anecdotal John Madden. I've never had a problem with Madden, really. I like that he led the Oakland Raiders to a Super Bowl victory and numerous AFC Championship games during his time as a head coach. I like that he has a wildly popular video game that is entirely too complex for me to play. I like the fact that he knows good football when he sees it, loves a great defense, and has the kind of straight-talk analysis that'd make President Bush seem downright intellectual. What I loathe, however, is his ongoing, unrequited manlove for Brett Favre.

While I do not have an accurate count of how many times Madden uttered Favre's name during tonight's broadcast, it seemed as if the very name "Brett Favre" had taken the place of the word "the" in Madden's oratorial lexicon:

"I'll tell ya, Al Michaels, when you handle Brett Favre football as well as Brett Favre does, you're going to get into Brett Favre end zone early and often..."

"I'll say this, Brett Favre Bears have one of Brett Favre storied defenses in Brett Favre NFL..."

Now, for a die-hard Bears fan, any sort of adulation for anything vaguely resembling a Packer chaps my hide (the only other sports rivalry that even comes close in my book is the Red Sox vs. the Yankees in Major League Baseball). That said, you'd be a fool not to recognize that Brett Favre is one of the greatest QBs ever to play the game. Hell, he's thrown more TD passes than any QB in history, and these facts can't be disputed. And, to his credit, he did proclaim that "Chicago is a better team than people give them credit for..." during tonight's post-game press conference.

I would, however, love it if John Madden dialed it down a bit when it comes to Brett Favre, if only to save me from cleaning up my vomitus each time he lovingly utters his name. It sure would give my esophageal lining a break. I'll even offer up a compromise for Madden: every time you mention Favre's record of most TDs ever by a QB, you also have to mention he also holds the distinction of throwing more interceptions than any QB in the history of the NFL (a record he broke during tonight's Bears win). And if Madden finds that too painful, I know a guy who might be able to numb the pain with some Vicodin.

Bear Down.

As Embarrassing as Staging a Call from the Wifey During a Campaign Speech

2007-10-05T02:10:00.000-04:00

The GOP just released its new logo for the 2008 Republican National Convention, to be held in Minneapolis of all places. There are a multitude of things wrong with this logo, starting with the color of the elephant. It certainly looks like that elephant is a Senate seat away from nailing '2008' six ways til Sunday mass at the superchurch. The blogiverse is abuzz as well, with people listing off all the subversiveness that exists in the image (prison stripes, wide stance, the idea of getting f*cked in '08, the convention being in MPLS). Talk about peppering yourself in the foot with bird shot. Whoever created this logo should be fired, and then forced to return any payment for services rendered.

Who knows, maybe the person who designed it is the spawn of the brain trust who designed the U.S. Naval Base in Coronado (who may have just been giving props to Buddha)...

Screw the Cheerleader

2007-10-04T20:33:00.000-04:00

NBC took a big risk last season when it put two self-referential series on it's primetime schedule (Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and 30 Rock). The former was a well-written show about an SNL-type series which ended up being West Wing on a Hollywood Set Meets a Really Crappy Romantic Non-Comedy. The latter is a brilliantly-written anti-sitcom about an SNL-type series and has turned out to be the best comedy of the 21st century thus far, as good as anything ever committed to film.

It's all fine and well that the network's risky experimentation ended up with the hilarious 30 Rock surviving and the meh-worthy Studio 60 going the way of the Northwest Passage. But the navel gazing that NBC has committed to, twice so far this season, has got to stop. Not only has the network recycled an annoying marketing tagline from last season ("Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" from Heroes has now become "Save the Geek, Save the World" for the series Chuck), it used the annoying tagline in the first five minutes of 30 Rock. While the idea of 'SeinfeldVision' is the height of hilarity (the network digitally places old clips of Jerry Seinfeld into existing shows in an effort to boost ratings), the milking of the "Save the Cheerleader..." tagline (Jerry utters it in one of the SeinfeldVision clips) is the height of lame-osity.

That said, 30 Rock is still the only 'sitcom' that's really worth watching on network TV. And if I have to hear the network regurgitating any more lines about the rescue of a pom-pon wielding teenybopper, I'ma go Dick Cheney on a motherf*cker's ass.

David Letterman is My Hero

2007-09-29T00:12:00.001-04:00

David Letterman totally razzed Paris Hilton on his show tonight (9/28/2007)... spending 3/4ths of the interview giving her shite about her prison stint. If you can find it on YouTube, or, if CBS has the good sense to post it up on CBS.com, it is definitely worth a look. While Hilton barely rates a mention on this blog (I know, I know, I get it), it was hilarious that he made her squirm, to the point where she insisted she wouldn't answer any further questions on the topic. But maybe the best part of the entire interview was when he started sampling her new perfume (her fourth? WHAT??!!). He spritzed it in the air and sniffed it... gave a disapproving scowl at the scent... then spritzed some on his tongue... then popped off the cap... and drank it. Obviously, it was water, but, man, that's a bit of classic comedy business on the level of "Attention people of New York: My name is Len Lucas, and I'm not wearing any pants!"

Bless your heart, Dave. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

brings tears to my eyes...

2007-09-23T04:28:00.000-04:00

"Hold these hearts courageously
As we walk into this dark place
Stand steadfast beside me and see
That love is the province of the brave"

--Province (TV on the Radio)

"Well we chose this course but
The weather changed
And the river froze
And when it thawed it was running
Backwards and dry now
I suppose it's appropriate to cry now

Over wasted time
And naked lies
Still get wasted sometimes"

--Playhouses (TV on the Radio)

slight return

2007-09-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

back from a prolonged dormancy. a lot has transpired since i last posted here: the bears made it to the super bowl (i'm a chicagoan who has lived in manhattan for the past 9 years...) and got their asses handed to them by the indianapolis colts. sure, that first t.d. from the impossibly incredible devin hester had me jumping up and down and screaming like a banshee, but, alas, it wasn't meant to be. rex grossman and his propensity for throwing off of his back foot proved to be the death of that great team last year. no amount of greatness from an urlacher-led defense or a hester-led special teams could make up for the bipolar quarterback and his god-awful inconsistencies leading the bears offense. it took me days to get over the loss, despite a handful of jager shots, a couple chilled patron shots, and a drunken hook-up with a fresh-out-of-college girl 10 years my junior after the game. the new season is upon us now, and after a frustrating season opener against the chargers, it looks like the bears are going to be a playoff contender once again.

but there are more important things happening to our cultural fabric than a professional football game. we're still in this bullshit war in iraq. the democrats have proven to be ineffectual and cowardly in trying to reign in the 'decider' and his policies, and it looks like we're going to have a clinton in the white house once again. this last piece really bothers me, because america desperately needs someone other than a bush or a clinton in the white house. it's been 27 years for the love of christ, since a member of those families hasn;t been in the white house. no one seems to care, really, as long as their iphones are working or they can comfortably watch crap like 'the hills' on their 50-inch plasmas.

this is a bit of a ramble, i admit. i'm kind of just waking up as it is, and i figured it's high time i start getting some of these ideas out there before i go insane. i think it's better to have my stream-of-consciousness exist on the page/screen as opposed to in my head.

thanks for stopping by, and please do return, as i'm looking to post some unique insights on our challenged society more often.

...and so it is.

2007-01-22T00:21:00.000-05:00

The NFC Championship Trophy is back where it belongs.

Shades of '85...

2006-10-09T22:03:00.000-04:00

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I know I am. The Chicago Bears are for real, and they will reclaim that which has alluded them for some 20 years -- the NFC Championship trophy, which, coincidently, is named after George Halas, who, along with Vince Lombardi, pretty much created the sport of football. For the second week in a row, I've been thinking that the Bears need to dial it back a bit, if only to keep people watching (how much of a blowout can one viewer handle?). First, they destroyed the current NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks on national TV two Sundays ago. The game was over by halftime cuz the Bears had delivered such a decisive thrashing of the 'hawks. Then, yesterday, I almost had to turn away from the screen on account of the holy pain the Bears brought down upon the Buffalo Bills. I don't have any other way to describe my utter joy and awe that the Bears have an offense that is exceptionally good. It's always been the missing link, a good offense, and now that they have one, there is no stopping them.

Sure, it's only five games into the season. Other teams will emerge as serious contenders for the NFC title in the coming weeks. But right now, these Monsters of the Midway are on a mission from God. Yeah, that's a Blues Brothers reference, and yeah the Blues Brothers are a wholly Chicagoan creation. And right now, in football, Chicago is where it's at, and where it's going to be this NFL season. All I need is a polish sausage and an Old Style, and I'm home. Fuck yeah, bitches. Fuck yeah.

Total Recall (Mac vs. PC)

2006-09-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

My first foray in to YouTube is rife with copyright infringement.

"for our special tonight, might we suggest the mel gibson pulled pork sandwich?"

2006-08-21T12:14:00.000-04:00

for the love of all things decent in the world. at first i thought this had to be some sort of sick joke. but it turns out, for the moment, anyway, to be truth. seems some jamokes in mumbai have opened a nazi-themed restaurant called "hitler's cross" in the bustling city's financial district. think of it as an espn zone for white supremacists, complete with swaztikas and pictures of the fuhrer greeting you as you enter. they're justifying their blatant idiocy by saying they wanted to be a distinctive restaurant that stands out as something patrons will remember long after leaving. while it should be noted that the swaztika was appropriated by the nazi's from buddhism, this is no simple reclaimation of the religious symbol. it's more like a mind-boggling display of stupidity and ignorance.

the end of hot dogs

2006-08-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

more signs of the coming apocalypse. turns out hot dogs may cause genetic mutations in people's DNA on account of the nitrates that manufacturers pump into the lips, assholes, and pig genitalia that have been shoved into intestinal sacks and sold to the masses.

Which is great for guys like Takeru Kobayashi, the reigning hot dog eating champ, seen here at his most recent victory. Soon after this photo was taken, two scuz-coated mutants that looked like a nano-Alien and a wee-Pradator exploded out of his belly and scurried into the East River. It was one fucked up sight.

been a long time since i rock & rolled...

2006-08-14T00:58:00.000-04:00

good lord, man. i haven't posted to this thing since i found that silly ann coulter promo on townhall.com. since then, the bloviating bulimic directed her hate towards wives of 9/11 victims. fucking cunt.

what else. the more i pay attention to the goings on in the world, the more despondent i get. iraq has gone to shit (but we knew that years ago), hezbollah & israel are blowing the shit out of each other... bush talks with his mouth full... brits foiled a terror plot... and i can;t imagine flying cross country without having bottled water in my possession (i'll pass on the in-flight tap water, thank you).

everything's all fucked up. there's no wife or kid or dog or girlfriend or goldfish to distract me from the realities of the beginning of the end of the world. and, being a godless heathen, i'm goingto burn with the rest of us when jesus comes back down, draped in the american flag and wearing a bow-tie, to take all the believers upstairs before it all goes up in flames.

fuck. me.

spawn of satan, reveal thyself!

2006-04-07T16:33:00.000-04:00

i always knew there was something off about ann coulter. check out the date of publication for her latest book.

(this ad hasn't been altered in any manner.)

on protecting and serving

2006-03-28T19:34:00.000-05:00

yesterday, i'm walking to the laundromat to do laundry, right? so as i'm walking back to my apartment, I see a dead pigeon on the sidewalk. and it wasn't just dead, it was face down dead. it was smashed in the head dead. it was blood splattering out of whatever orifice it could find in that pigeon's head dead.

and as i approach the dead pigeon and see the coagulating blood and bird brains, i hold my breath as if its about to be snatched up by some soul sucking demon. my nose crinkles, my toes curl up in my shoes. i give the pigeon carcass as wide a berth possible when i pass it, my body practically curving away like a parenthesis as i tiptoe around that pile of bloodied and winged death lying on the gotham sidewalk. and then... it dawned on me...

...this is how avian flu spreads. this is how it will permeate the united states. one pigeon, dead on a sidewalk.

all you'd need is some snot-nosed toddler not being watched by his mom/dad cuz s/he's yappping away on their hands-free device, and the kid, already on 20mg of ritalin a day on account of his ADD, is hovering around the dead pigeon while picking his nose and scratching his butt crack. the kid starts poking it with his finger but mom/dad doesn't notice cuz of the goddamned bluetooth headset thing, then the kid is like, "mommy! mommy! look!!"

and then he presents a finger loaded up with toddler boogers and clotted pigeon blood, and he's shoving it in his mom/dad's face and is promptly shooed away. so he goes back to the
dead pigeon and continues his poking, his prodding.

you get the picture. by the time the toddler and the mom/dad get home, the parent is hacking up a lung and the kid's eyes are all puffy and fucked up with conjunctivitis, except this isn't your run of the mill pink-eye. it's the beginning of the end.

when i went backto the laundromat, i noticed the pigeon was now residing in the gutter. which made me think... if there was a cop around, would it be the cop's responsibility to remove the dead pigeon out of the way of pedestrians?

hope springs eternal, vol. 1

2006-02-28T19:20:00.000-05:00

tyra banks is going undercover as a stripper for her talk show. and here i thought the world was going to hell in a bucket.

on civil unrest

2006-02-09T04:01:00.000-05:00

the jobless, the disenfranchised.
these are the people who riot.
stop me if you think that you've heard this one before:

"Hi, honey, it's me.
I'm going downtown
to riot after work,
so go ahead and start dinner without me.

unless, of course, you want to come.
which in that case
bring my helmet and
that old 5-iron from the garage
cuz i'm finna git indignant on some embassy ass.

you'll come? great! meet me at the starbucks on fifth."

that is not how it goes down
at the corner of unemployed muslim
and danish newspaper mocking your faith

freedom of the press works best
when you live with a press that's free
and if you live inside of tyranny,
what you're reading in the press is by no means free.

word association w/dubya.

2006-01-31T21:19:00.000-05:00

tribute. state of the union. fight to keep freedom. america rejects the false comfort of isolationism. purple mountain majesties, purple fingered democracies. brutal insurgent enemies. we are in this fight to win and we are winning.

reject: terrorism, isolationism, complacency, protectionists, temporary tax cut.

eavesdropping and data mining. america is safer when freedom is on the march.

btw, it's not just my war anymore, folks.

cut the deficit in half by 2009. voodoo econ 101. tax cut.

easing into the baby boomer burden with a joke about daddy n' bubba. the forthcoming irrelevance of the ss#.
keeping america competitive requires...
healthcare... medical liability reform (cut to the senator doctor frist).
secure borders
humane guest worker program

america is addicted to oil. bush embraces science. nuclear energy. hydrogen cars. cutting edge methods of producing ethanol... six year plan. 2012. he has found his legacy. good god, this man has stumbled upon his legacy.

the american competitiveness initiative. embracing science. double the federal government funding in the physical sciences over the next 10 years. R&D tax credit. research. public private. innovation. good god, man!

if we insure american children succeed in life, they will ensure america exceeds in the world.

human life is a gift from our creator and that life must never be discarded or put up for sale.

stats on compassion. quiet transformation/revolution of conscience. unethical conduct by public officials. activist courts. citizens displaced by natural disaster. interesting language here. a hopeful society. public responsibility & the pledge to never betray it.

crescendo, an optimistic coda, god bless america... and, scene.

an optimist's horizon

2006-01-30T19:01:00.000-05:00

the signs are everywhere that the end is nigh. skyrocketing gas prices. journalist hostages. new details on fema's operational turpitude. twenty-one hundred some odd soldiers dead, five times that wounded. terrorist emerges on video to thumb his nose at the global conflict with religious fundamentalism. journalists blown up and ambushed. exxon mobil posts fourth quarter earnings. 10.3 billion. more than any other company. ever. in the history of everything known.

and don't you dare ever say that we are there fighting for oil. god damnit, we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here. or didn't you get the memo?

there's a douchebag named ford taking to the airwaves. talking about innovation and a new day dawning. taking back america's road. he's all about blue skies now, this ford guy. that'll happen when you gut 30,000 workers from your bankroll. it's like a nice, healthy bowel movement. innovate away, senor fuckstick. make me another suv.

more trials and tribunals than you can shake a 2x4 at. enron. alito. saddam. there's a south park episode in there somewhere. the end of corporate trust. the end of choice. 'the end of tyranny'... or at least that particular iteration.

do i need to see the freakshow of the saddam trial?

saddam: "you are the spawn of a whore! i haven't had a change of clothes in 3 days!!"
kurd: "cry me the euphrates, bitch. i haven't seen the sun in 12 years! because you gouged my fucking eyes out!"

ted kennedy on the senate floor, practically flailing. demanding a debate on the alito vote. like a scream from the bottom of the well. stick fork... turn... done.

an infant child stuffed in one of those black plastic bodega bags, tied up, and then sent down a river. and that the footage of her rescue -- where the bag was swooped up, place on the riverbank, and carefully torn open like you'd do a plastic covering of a microwavable dinner -- aired on the morning news leaves you with the feeling that today is going to be a wonderful day, full of surprises and goodness around every corner.

soldiers north of bahgdad, and civilians, too, have been drinking contaminated water for 10 months now. halliburton knew about it. tried to cover it up. and didn't bother sanitizing it after the fact.

a girl in iraq contracted bird flu. things are about to get really scary.

that's why i can't wait until the president's state of the union address tomorrow night. it's bound to be, at the very least, that very jolt of optimism this country needs right now.

it'll be a load of texas bullshit, but it will be like those stories we were told as youngens... the ones that lulled us to sleep.

"[that company] should be headquartered on a farm. that way, there'd be a place to put all their horseshit."

2006-01-23T04:08:00.000-05:00

where power point deck meets music video is the sort of collision that sets in motion a series of events that leads to the end of the world. swiftly.

it’s the sort of nightmare that might involve dead silence… then a thunderclap and lightning crash, and windblown branches rubbing up on the window. a wet thud, a high-pitched screech and the slicing sound of long nails on blood-streaked glass. piddling feet, scurrying away, rustling, flittering. squeaking.

sufficiently vague, so as to seem insightful

2006-01-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

ah, ambiguity. it makes the slices of life so round-edged. why be direct when you can be, how would you say... je ne sais quoi?

it's more of a diplomatic approach to human interfacing, really. indeed, it is the very thing that creates a foundation for more dialogue of any given matter at hand. directness is too abrasive, or can be deemed so. and, as someone once said, you never want to rub another man's rhubarb. for example, if bob is a disruptive presence in staff meetings, there are distinct methods in which to address the issue:

Method A: "Bob, if I could have a quick word? Good. Bob, just something to think about for tomorrow's staff meeting. We'd like for you to align yourself more with the general dynamic of the larger group and broaden your interactions with colleagues in a manner that speaks to our collective connectedness. Just... something for you to think about, Bob. Thanks."

Method B: "Bob, tell you what. You're going to have to start wearing pants to the meetings, and by that, I mean starting today, OK? I will not have you walking around exposed in this office. Do you hear me? And you know I would've shit-canned you months ago if your second uncle wasn't on the board of directors."

So now, what remains is the question of compliance. When the larger group is considered, Method A is the path of least resistance. There has been (offline) communication with Bob about his behavioral patterns. The idea is now out there for Bob to mull over and come to his own conclusion as to whether he should wear pants to tomorrow's meeting. You've positioned your communication with Bob in a way that neutralizes potential push back on his part. Bob, in turn, effectively saves face...

rebels as buzzkill for GOP

2006-01-07T03:54:00.000-05:00

there some kind of beautiful in this screen grab of the nytimes. post-irony at its finest.

and on closer look, all the stories on this page are pretty heavy.

to ensure quality assurance, your call may be monitored and recorded...

2005-12-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

(to the tune of public enemy's 'black steel in the hour of chaos'... or, alternatively, tricky's version, 'black steel')

i got a letter from the president the other day
opened it, read it, it said he was a sucker.
something about listening in when i called my friend
we may have spoken about the crisis with al qaeda then
but back then i had faith in the man
i mean, a brother like me, with faith in this president?
he's kinda flighty and way aristocratic
and a philistine to boot, so i'm amazed that i ever did.

9/11 took the wind out of me
sitting in darkness n' smoking packs of cigarettes
and then i drank and drank and got shitty
just waiting for when those fucking bastards would hit again
and then we went to afghanistan
put a hurting on those bitches that call themsleves the taliban
but then shit got fubar, imagine that
we shifted focus and now we're invading iraq

just then it occured to me
that this was total misappropriation of authority
but there was nothing i could even do
but sit and watch it go down on the TV tube

1940-2005

2005-12-11T01:55:00.000-05:00

thank you, sir.

(multiple choice)

2005-12-11T00:32:00.000-05:00

1. a tiny dog squatting on a sidewalk, shaking pitifully. struggling to squeeze out blood-stained shit nuggets in the fresh morning snow.

2. the gastineau girls on the e! network. that awful mother and her whining about looking unnatural in an OK! magazine red carpet photo shoot. it's the collagen lips and the botox, the pulled back face... it will take all the revlon in paris to reverse the damage. 14:57... 14:58...

3. bush apologists & yellmonger 'conservatives'.

4. the snow the dog shat upon.

5. sleeping inside of a cardboard box and on top of a grate where steam from the subway billows out.

"...because they're stupid, that's why."

2005-12-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

this clip featuring newsweek's howard fineman on imus in the morning is worth watching... provides a bit of perspective into the whole selling of the iraq war. and while it's just one data point, imagine for a moment who said what in the oval as they came to this conclusion...

the snow in l.a. is fake. now you know.

2005-12-01T17:07:00.000-05:00

shot this last week at the grove in los angeles. sprawling outdoor mall. tons of christmas stuff up. santa and the reindeer swoop down on their sleigh twice nightly when it 'snows'.

the 'snow' at the grove is some sort of uberpowder that, when you apply water to it, turns into a fluffy synthetic flurry substance. they blanket the acres of outdoor mall with the stuff and kids frolick in it. there were rumors that johnny moseley was going to come and do one of his dinner rolls in the quad. but that was just some hollywood bullshit.

the snow on the candyland house pic is not born of that synthetic material. maybe the plastic used to make this snow is the same plastic they use to make the lips and boobs for beverly hills wives and aspiring wannabees. now there's a rumor to spread around the grove.

"unfortunately, we have no leftovers."

2005-11-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

sonya thomas wolfed down a 10 pound turkey in 12 minutes. she weighs under one hundred pounds, and is considered one of the top competitive eating... uh... eaters... this side of takeru kobayashi, according to the international federation of competitive eating. thomas also holds records in scarfing down hard-boiled eggs, baked beans, and oysters to name a few. which makes one thing perfectly clear: you do not want to be caught standing behind her on a crowded crosstown bus during rush hour on a humid summer day after one of her competitions.

given the mass consumption of so much turkey in such short order, sonya thomas is celebrating her victory by napping until christmas eve.

a dick in more than just name only

2005-11-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

it's a fun game to play. when the white house has its feet held to the fire (accountability, so-called restoration of integrity and dignity to the oval office), they start crying about patriotism and liberal cowardice -- even when those sparking the debate are more patriotic and cajones-abled than those doing the bashing. the only enemy fire dick cheney's seen is the faulty zippo that fails to light his marlboros.

no self-respecting republican should've been comfortable with how those oval office vulgarians lambasted Congressman Jack Murtha, calling him a Michael Moore liberal. who came up with that nugget of 4th grade recess name calling -- dubya or dick? either way, it was ridiculous (some gop congressional brownshirt even quoted a letter from a marine that said, in part, 'cowards cut and run, marines never do.' i doubt that any self-respecting marine would say that about a man like jack murtha.

vice-president cheney today came to his senses and distanced himself from his attacks on murtha and those who are debating the war(for context, watch the entirety of his speech at CNN.com). thanks for remembering this is america, dick, and not the corporate fascist halliburton subsidiary you wish it was.

now, shut the fuck up and find osama bin laden you goddamned snake oil salesman.

the end of guerilla marketing

2005-11-20T12:32:00.000-05:00

Corporate Grafitti

it was inevitable. the marketing powers that be have evolved. be afraid. be very afraid.
photo from gothamist.com

if it were only that easy, mr. president...

2005-11-18T03:22:00.000-05:00

Shame on those congressional commies for posing questions about this war!
How dare they attempt to impugn the integrity of the White House's agenda with this antiquated idea of "checks and balances"!!!
Operation: Iraqi Freedom - The Death Toll

Cowards saying we should cut and run. What do those Michael Moore-apologists know about running a war effort?

Operation: Iraqi Freedom - What $200B Looks Like

found this pic on the internets. pretty sure he dropped barney soon after. these two links give a visual perspective to cost of freedom's march.

blogs are meant for moments like this

2005-11-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

that tie is f*cking huge. huge and pink. and done up all windsor n shit. hell, that's uber-windsor. who wears this? this tie with the freaking giga-knot? ryan seacrest. subbing for larry king on last night's larry king live. talking with nicole ritchie, who looks positively skeletal. there's an awful lot that's troubling about ryan seacrest filling in for larry king. king has had his share of critics, who insist he's the master of the softball question ("so, charlie manson. what's it like, really, living in prison while enjoying iconic status amongst the tweakers and the heroin addicted trustafarians in williamsburg? you're on t-shirts, you're on coffee mugs. you're a franchise, my friend!"). i like to think of king as captain obvious, one likely to spurt out endless "no duh!" lines in his USA Today column: "That Angelina Jolie. Have you seen those lips? And how about that George Clooney? He's one handsome man!"

but i digress. what's troubling is that a simple bastard like seacrest is given such a high-profile gig with which to display his tragic mediocrity. he'll obviously handle the fluff and bullshit -- nicole ritchie is about as newsworthy as the peanut shards ensconsed in the bowel movement i just dropped an hour ago. and upon viewing a touch of the interview on CNN.com (free video, you know), i couldn't help but notice seacrest's cadence and mannerisms are borderline lauer-esque. there's the upper body lean-in; the slightly raised eyebrow to demonstrate his 'genuine' curiousity; the open-faced hand punctuating the real serious questions ("now, nicole. are you using? no? okay. ...are you holding?"); as he fishes around for just the right way to pose a question to this 78-lb mass of skin, bones, narcotics, and bile, he may pause a bit to reflect, you can see the ambition in his eyes. but he's just impersonating a host and a journalist. he wears a suit well, and his foppish hair and aura of homosex give him that smidgen of edginess that's necessary to keep the boys on the editorial staff of People magazine chatting. but i guess when it comes right down to it, larry king -- johnny softball; captain obvious -- doesn't want someone with any semblance of heft or gravitas filling in for him, because it would make it crystal clear to viewers that larry king, despite his tens and thousands of hours of interviewing the planet's movers and shakers, is a bit of a lightweight.

"ramble on. now's the time/the time is now. sing my song..."

sometimes a cabal is just a cabal...

2005-11-16T05:12:00.000-05:00

gang of four. seven samurai. four non blondes. two smoking barrels (fresh off the lock/stock). three of a kind. five easy pieces. one night stand. twelve monkeys. forty acres and a mule (deferred).

four guys standing on a corner. group of guys. up to no good.

four jews standing on a corner. jewish cabal. running the show.

four negroes standing on a corner. gang of thugs. crips, maybe.

four iraqis standing on a corner. insurgents. w/ their goddamn rpg.

four white guys standing on a corner. board of directors. engaged in malfeasance and misappropriation. for sport.

four buffys standing on a soho corner. buncha chicks tryna front like they sex&thecity n' shit. e'ryone tryna be charlotte n' whatnot.

four celebutantes standing on a corner. scion's entourage. waiting for wilmer vallderama to bring the coke.

vomitus.

file under: wtf

2005-11-15T02:40:00.000-05:00

wait. you can actually do this through your computer?

...eh.

2005-11-14T23:42:00.000-05:00

the blog. the sound of one hand clapping. the toppled sequoia in the forest. what silence looks like.

smells like division title

2005-11-14T12:52:00.000-05:00

never mind the orange jerseys (hi, can you say Denver Broncos circa 1980?). the chicago bears are looking quite badass. they've got the best defense in the nfl, and yesterday were responsible for the longest play in nfl history. now that's how you bear down. when it comes to pro sports, chicago is looked at as an also-ran (even sports illustrated failed to give the world champion white sox the cover after their historic world series win. bastards). you heard it here first -- the bears will take the place of the philadelphia eagles in this year's nfc championship game... leading up to a superbowl rematch with those pesky new england patriots, a battle 20 years in the making. that's right, bitches. fuck yeah.

for crony, a long hard road from minding the steed.

2005-11-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

just when you thought you'd heard/seen the worst of it, more incompetence from the world's most famous ex-arabian horse sheppard. speaking of arabia, can someone levy a fatwa on this jackass?

meanwhile, in the situation room...
the daily global threat assessment briefing is winding down.

dubya jots a joke down on the presidential notepad. let's out a little chuckle, shimmies the shoulder, slides it over to condi. she's all clandestine as she draws the note near. it reads:

"w/ friends like mike brown, who needs liberals?"

condi busts out a laugh. not laughter. just one laugh... *ha. but it's not just 'ha', it's more like a 'pfthfwHAH!!' loud, piercing. it jumps to the ceiling and blasts into all four corners. her body does a little upward heave, tethered... ever so gently... to the ascending-- it's a chortle, and a guffaw together, and a touch of shriek underneath it all. it throws everyone when it happens cuz there's no predicting when the good secretary doctor's gunna bring it. funny... her sense of humor; it can be quite black, really.

they do this, dubya & doc con... w/ the passing of the notes during the briefings and the summits...

"hey c, prime minister speech was good...",
"hey c, thx for e. europe debrief..."
"hey c, i think i may need a bathroom break? is this possible?"

(like fourth grade language arts class; you try and pay attention but johnny funboy behind you is passing forward torn & folded scribbles and drawings and doodles or like that one time it was gum.)

an aide escorts the press in for the standard snapshots and softball q&a. dubya & condi are still in shits & giggles mode; dubya's shoulders bounce as he chuckles, then he tries to regain some semblance of composure by furrowing the brow and chewin' on his inner cheek. condi can't contain her ear to ear alfred e. newman grin.

someone asks dubya to comment on the mike brown e-mails. "mr. president, do you regret telling former fema director mike brown that he was doing, "a heck of a job" in the aftermath of katrina, now that mr. brown has been exposed as a bumbling jackass?"

"lemme tell ya som'n," dubya begins, a little ornery. "you media folk, yer always tryna play this game of 'do you regret' or 'are you sorry' or 'doesn't so and so deserve an apology. and the answer to your question is a... rescinding 'no'. i don't regret saying what i said to mike brown because if you look at what i said, you'd see there's nothin doin with regards to apologizin. what i said was, 'brownie, you're doing a heck of a job'. the operative word there in what i said is 'heck'. and 'heck' is a whole lot different than 'hell'. a helluva job would imply that he was doing good by fema and the katrina folks. a heckuva job implies the exact opposite. any dimwit would understand that. now, if you don't mind, i need to head to an ethics meeting. scotty'll be more'n happy to answer any more of your folks's questions."

and in his spare time, maybe he'll pen a sequel...

2005-11-02T15:10:00.000-05:00

while he was blazing a trail of neoconservative activism with his right-minded colleagues, i. lewis 'scooter' libby found time to write a trashy novel set in 1900s Japan chock full of concubines, geishas, deer fucking, and a smidgen of incest thrown in for good measure. this article from the november 7th issue of The New Yorker has some excerpts, and it's apparent that the mag's overtly liberal, anti-philistine leanings have clouded its objectivity. they should have just titled the article Scooter is a Neo-con & That's Why We Hate Him. can't a decent right-winger write about far east gang bangs without those liberal commie bastards getting their panties in a bunch?

the post-ironic future crisis of tom & katie awaits the armchair quarterbacking of the literary geniuses at US Weekly

2005-11-02T05:33:00.000-05:00

this is going to be awesome. once katie holmes gives birth to l.ron, jr., , all of america will be consumed by reports that the young starlet suffers from a severe case of post-partum depression. tom will return home from shooting M:I-3 to find katie doing the Michael Jackson Balcony Tango with their newborn (who will have been determined to be -- thanks to a wierd kaballah/voodoo seance administered by madonna during katie's third trimester -- the scientological equivalent of the messiah).

katie, with her crying, bloodshot eyes and her brown locks covering her mucus-stained face, will scream out, "tommy, i can't take it anymore! i can't stand this baby! i want to kill myself!"

tom might stop in his tracks, furrow his brow and tilt his head towards her curiously before flashing his dazzling pearly whites...

tom will give her vitamin c with rose hips and a couple lysine tabs, do a quick audit on her mental state, and say something along the lines of, "katie, look. look at me. look at me. you are fine. fine. you're just having a bad day. take this folic acid, have a little nap, and we'll go down to the celebrity center and have dinner with the travoltas." big, dazzling smile.

katie won't be having any of it. she'll smack the vitamins out of tom's giving hand, and pull out a loaded gatt, aiming it modified john woo-style at tom. through her sobs, she'll say, "you know, tom, while you were out shooting your damn movie, i was talking with brooke, and reading up on her memoir, and she tells me i need a heavy dose of wellbutrin if i'm ever to get through this depression--"

tom will cut her off. "excuse me? wellwhat? depressed what?! listen to me. listen. to. me. you put that gun down right now and you give me that baby and you take these god damned vitamins, you little toledo bitch. because you know who makes the rules here? tom makes the rules. that's right. and i didn't shell out ten million large so you can make uninformed decisions about how to deal with some fantasy ailment and pump your body full of pharmaceutical poison. now, i'm going to count to three, kate. i'm going to count. to. three."

he'll pause, but only for another dazzling smile and to remove his aviator shades (to give the moment the perfect note of gravity it deserves).

"one... two... kate? there are no more numbers between two and three, you know this... seriously, kate. do i look like i'm playing games? Ka.. com--... two and a half..."

she'll drop the gun, wipe away her salty tears and collapse into tom's arms, but not before pounding on his substantial pecs, crying in heaves and screaming, "why?! why?!!"...

it'll send the US Weekly newsroom into a hotbed of activity and blah blah blah.

gag me with a decked hall

2005-11-01T00:21:00.000-05:00

this is october 31st, 2005.
50th & 6th, midtown.
morning.

the eve of all saints has barely begun here, and the signs of christmas are already afoot. tin men, drummer boys, santa, the reindeer, and all that jingle jangle... icons and idols borne of that magical time when capitalism and commercialism intersect in a land of merriment and holly jolly.

i mean, come on dude. seriously.

2005-10-29T05:52:00.000-04:00

let me just say that in an effort to not only be a clairvoyant, but to convey a sense of immediacy and gravity regarding a situation concerning the inner workings of the White House, i concluded that the vice president would be indicted.

richard cheney, the vice president of the united states of america, has not been indicted.

the speculation can be read below in previous posts.

i just wanted to acknowledge i jumped the gun thinking that ol' 'uberticker' wouldn't outlast every one of these punk-assed bitches.

Worst Week Ever: The Indictment Vol. 1/No. 1

2005-10-28T18:32:00.000-04:00

more on the g.dubya front. i. lewis "scooter" libby resigns as dick cheney's chief of staff just before his indictment on five counts is handed down by special prosecutor fitzgerald. turd blossom escaped the sinkhole for now, but will still be under investigation for some time.

and in what has become the bush administration's kneejerk response to any potentially damaging shit coming from the sphincter that is the current white house, dubya hit the road to deliver a speech on the war on terror.

"Now remember, kids. I'm the guy protecting you from the evildoers and other assorted terrorist folk traipsing 'round the hinterlands of afghanistan n' iraq. the only thing standing between al qaeda and your local wal*mart is me and my administration. 9/11. I'll say it again. 9/11."

meanwhile, harriet miers withdraws her nomination, making it possible for ann coulter to spew her venom towards the left once again. after having walked through that gauntlet of public humiliation en route to a confirmation hearing that never was to be, methinks dubya owes harriet miers an apology. ha ha ha. good luck.

oh yeah, 2000+ U.S. soldiers killed in iraq. exit strategy? yeah, right.

on the bright side: exxonmobil made more money in the last quarter than the world's largest company, general electric, made in all of last year. buy those oil stocks now, kids.

dubya on the white sox: a conversation imagined.

2005-10-27T03:33:00.000-04:00

his father was there behind home plate, root-root-rooting for the home team. mama bush was there, too... physically. mentally, she looked like she was one misplaced tin foil-wrapped teabag away from dementia as bush elder had to roust her out of her apparent stupor to inform her of key plays and strike outs.

alas, the good guys (as they're known in the city of broad shoulders) took it to the astros, and earned chicago its first world series title in 88 years. here's how dubya might sum up the sox sweep, with all his eloquent-manque straight talk:

"It's a good day for the White Sox. Good day for Chicagoans. And it's a good day for, uh, anyone who likes winning. Show me someone who doesn't like winning, I'll show you a loser. That's what makes this country great, is that we're a country of winners. Do I feel bad that my father's team was swept in the series? Not particularly, truth be told. I'm a Rangers fan. Sure, some of you folks in the press corps'll find a way to position this as another example of how I don't see eye-to-eye with a certain former president. And that'd just be the media fictitionalizing the truth. Whatever the case, congratulatories are in order for the White Sox, the White Sox organization, and I'd like to give a shout out to Ozzie Guillen. Love that accent. God bless 'merica."

the heart identifies with the nature of this ground

2005-10-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

this is soho in manhattan sometime in late summer, 2005. i was initially going to write about how the hollowness of the sidewalk is a reflection of the people who frequent the shops south of houston: what was once the domain of the starving artist squatting in a massive loft with eight other like-minded expressionists is now a bastion of euro labels and euro ubertrash and trustafarians and tourists from the heartland who lust after iPods. but then i was thinking that would just be a bitter diatribe. and the bitter diatribe is getting old. so, when i figure out a little ditty to accompany this pic, i'll post the nugget for all the b'sphere to see. until then...

kate moss gets all e.e. cummings up in a motherf*cker

2005-10-26T19:06:00.000-04:00

a friend emailed me a news report alleging kate moss has turned to poetry as she weathers the publicity maelstrom surrounding her cocaine use.

we did some digging and found a nugget of her newfound wisdom:

What Matters is What Is Underneath
by Katherine Taylor Ubaldine Mossberg

What matters is what's underneath
What lies beneath this pure silk sheath
Is skin tattered and torn from my days as a cutter
And a touch of flab from a binge with a yummy stick of butter.

What matters is what you can't see
Those inner parts that define me
A will that aches for one more taste
Of rock cocaine that I can freebase

What matter most is not for your eyes
Funny, I'm a model, pretty, such irony
You think this is some god damned joke
But I'm telling all you bitches what matters is my coke.

What you think this fuckin is?
Some finishing school for aristocratic kids?
I'm a supermodel, bitches, this shit is for real
Unless you're gooped up on the glop, how are you supposed to deal?
One minute you're sashaying all over the place
And the next, Naomi bitch slaps you across your face.
If you have to ask why, I'm afraid you'll never know
Quit breathing so hard on the mirror, girl, you're fucking with my blow.

What matters most is underneath
The parts of which you'll never see
97 pounds of bone and skin
and enough cocaine to do a motherfucker in.

Sylvia Plath ain't got shit on me. Kate Moss what?! What!?

Cheney Indictment?

2005-10-26T19:00:00.000-04:00

Methinks Dick Cheney is going to get indicted along with his chief of staff Scooter Libby and MC Karl Rove. Which would then force Bush to appoint a new VP. Dubya, as is his wont, will choose a crony by the name of Dr. Condoleezza Rice. Think about it, and whiel you do, I'll be mulling over how this blog o'mine should not be political in nature.

in the crosswalk...

2005-10-20T21:33:00.000-04:00

here's a moment ripe for reworking in a blog. running into a coworker at a streetlight.

everybody's doing it, so why can't i?

2005-10-20T02:15:00.000-04:00

if this thing catches on, the sky could be the limit.